Birthday Scrooge- a self-indulgent pity party

Warning: What follows is self-indulgent musings of a birthday scrooge. It is meant to be cathartic for me, so feel no pressure to actually read.

For some odd reason, my birthday is my least favorite day of the year. Its the day when ghosts of Jane's past come back to haunt. The bell begins to toll in late may, and by July 1, the bell rings constantly in my ears. Coming, Coming, Coming. The fear of getting older is only a tiny piece of this. Instead, it is the ghosts of past and present that provide the deepest torture. Maybe it all started with my 5th birthday party when one boy started finding the pennies for the "hunt for pennies" game before it was time thus causing me to pout and cry in the kitchen in my mouse feather dress.

I work really hard not to have this day be such a big deal. But, it is work.

All my most horrible versions of myself come back to visit. The mall rat, sorority girl who was thrilled to be number 3 on my high school "Prettiest Girl list" instead of appalled that such a list existed. The girl who choose sorority over quality when making friends. (Not to insult some of my very good friends who were in my sorority) The girl who was secretly thrilled that the frat boys had bestowed a nickname on me. These Jane's come back and their mistakes come flowing back and turn my stomach into knots. The Jane who drank too much to overcome social anxiety and deep insecurity. The girl who cruelly dumped a nice, loving boy for a narcissistic egomaniac.

The present Jane gets anxiety about who will come to the party. How many people will be there? How many friends do I have? I have no friends. I usually try to keep it small and family but then everyone says... "Don't be silly have a real party"and once I plan the party, all those people are out of town. The music in the background is "It's the most insecure time of the year"

Then the ghost of Jane's future touches down and reminds me my eggs are dying and no one may ever love me and I may die alone, that sad old crone attempting to steal children from playgrounds.

11 months of the year, I do my best to remain a person who works everyday to be the best version of myself. Imperfect? absolutely.  Trying? totally. But I am working on being a better, calmer, more zen person. Once this years mini-breakdown is over, I will hopefully return to the Jane who knows she is surrounded by an amazing family and loving circle of friends. I am grateful for my magnitude of blessings...on July 31st.