Calypso

While I was in San Francisco, I found out my dog Calypso was sick.  I got Calypso 14 years ago. After a brief stint puppy-sitting and falling in love with my brother's dog, Stanley, my mom agreed to let me get my own dog. Calypso cost $600 and I even paid half. Even though I have always considered myself her mommy, I have to acknowledge my own mommy's contribution. Although I took Calypso to L.A. for 3 semesters of college, my mother kept her the rest of time. Also, in the spirit of full disclosure, sometimes I flew back to New York to visit my boyfriend at the time and my friends took care of Cal several weekends. When I moved out and moved to Rwanda, my mom took over primary custody. And she has always done the morning walk. I guess like many teenage mothers, I didn't do a perfect job, but luckily I had a lot of help.
A lot changed while I was in Rwanda. I used to be Cal's favorite. It was my smell she sought out in unfamiliar places and she did not like walking away from me on the street. But since I returned, she seems to barely know me. That is a risk I took going away for so long, and I don't blame her for preferring the most constant person in her life, Debbie Doo. We are both lucky to have such a good caretaker.
Now, my 14 year old dog is sick. After maintaining her puppy hood for 13 years, my baby is finally showing her age. She can't see or hear and now she has a massive kidney infection. When my mom called in San Francisco to tell me that Lou was sick and might not make it, I managed to put myself into a solid state of denial and not deal with it. Now I am home, and the reality is tough. Calypso's vet said she has a massive kidney infection and a disk problem, but all is not lost. We are giving her anti-biotics and fluids for two weeks and then going back in. If her numbers stay stable or get better, then that is good. But she is not eating and she has to be carried downstairs for a "walk." She got better for awhile and gave us a lot of hope. But now, she has back slid and is almost back to her worst.
The thought of putting her down looms in my mind.  I hate having the power to make a decision, even though I know the vet will guide us to what she thinks is best and I have my mom to help, the idea feels awful. I don't want to keep poor Calypso around if she is miserable and in pain for my own selfish reasons. What does a deaf, blind apartment dog have to look forward to, besides being tortured by adorable babies who love her  and a treat after every walk? She doesn't like to cuddle anymore, preferring to sleep on her nuzzle nest on the floor. But, I really don't want to kill my dog if there is a chance she can get better. Who am I to decide? Wouldn't her little body give out if it was her time?
The immediate future is up in the air and right now I trying to focus on the positive. Not the mistakes I made, forgetting to take her out because I was busy watching TV, never brushing her teeth, or moving into a no-pets apartment. Not the fact that she can't get on the couch anymore or that her spine is visible, but all of the good times. I never trained Calypso very well (or at all) my affection for her may not be shared by the people she peed on (she was just excited) or whose floors she pooped on, but she is now and always was the sweetest dog ever.  Her hair was pulled and her back "patted" by hundreds of children and she never bared a single tooth. She greeted all visitors to the door with a wagging tail and I swear a huge smile. When Cal was really excited, she would run around the house in figure 8 formation, sometimes dragging her toy shark with her.
Right now she isn't up to all her old tricks, just sleeping all the time. I hope she is dreaming of Beggin Strips, cheese and forbidden human food. I don't know what her future holds, but I want what is best for my little Bichon frise, whatever that is.