A bit raw and maybe too honest

In October of  2008 I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. It was, in many ways, no ones fault. We were two people who cared about each other but simply did not belong together forever. 

When we met, I was 22 and all of the big commitments felt far away.  As I aged and after attending countless weddings and seeing babies born to our friends, I could no longer pretend that this wasn’t what I wanted. And I wanted it now. So I gave the ultimate ultimatum, and got the answer I never truly thought I would hear. Although my brain knew in many ways  that we were not right to be together forever, sometimes reason has no place in romance.  The term heartbroken is accurate. When I thought of what I had lost, I had actual pain my chest, tightening all over, and trouble breathing. I felt lost at sea and could barely believe my body was containing the hurricane of emotions inside.

The end this relationship was more than the loss of a love, a best friend, a fellow immature sense of humor and an amazing  family. For me, it was the death of a life I had imagined in my head. It’s painful to admit I am such a “girl” but I had named our children and pretended not to want the wedding I pictured in my head. I saw myself as a young mother, married to a man who would clearly be an excellent father. I looked past the obvious mismatches in our wants, desires, and personalities and dreamed of a happy ending.  It didn’t help my psyche that my brother found his true love at 19 and went on to have, objectively,  the absolute most amazing children on the planet. Not that he and his wife had breezed through their 13 years together or had it easy at all. Nonetheless, I wondered why I was the sibling whose soul mate hadn’t come along.

I wanted the life I imagined so badly. I had always pretended (or lied to myself) that people who get divorced ignore the warning signs, they must have been there all along, people just closed their eyes to them. Not me, I would never do that. But there I was, eyes wide shut, because I just wanted it to work out so badly.   Even though 99.5% of me knew it was the right decision to be apart and we would both go on to live happy lives, it took me a full year to stop imagining that he would walk through the door with the perfect cushion cut ring and all would be as I dreamed.  According to Charlotte from Sex in the City I was right on track if not ahead, because apparently it takes half the length of  the relationship to get over it. While all of this wild fantasy was swirling in my deepest darkest corners, the rest of me was going on with daily life and crafting a new life. And it was a great life. I spent a year having fun, dating causally for the first time in my life, and spending a lot of time with Jane.  Erica and Allie were especially amazing, answering many tearful phone calls, eating a lot pizza and  spending many fun nights out on the town.

In January of 2009 I went to Tanzania and met great people and had wonderful experiences. One of the girls, Michelle, had gone through a similar (if not worse) experience with a long-term break-up and I gained much strength from her insight and experiences. It felt so good to actually someone who understood. After Tanzania, my appetite for travel was whetted and I started to look into longer programs.

I arrived in Rwanda in December 2009 for a year.  Life here is hard sometimes and my mother should get a serious award for cross-continental counseling. What I have gained here, I would not trade the world. My path may not have turned out as I thought, but it is a great path.  To quote my friend’s ex-boyfriend “Shit will buff out.”  In less crude but more cliché terms “Everything shall work out in the end.”

In the literature they sent me before I left for Rwanda one of the big themes was “Your coping skills abroad will be the same as your coping skills at home” and “The less expectations the better. ” The reality is that things rarely turn out as you expect. Now, I look forward to my path, wherever and whoever it brings me. I try to take every day  as it comes and not craft expectations in my head.  This is a particular challenge for me as imagine my future life has so far taken up 87% of my thoughts. There will be pain, joy and hopefully good health.  But laughing with Joco about St. Sucker,  adventures in hair dying with Susan,  and seeing Monkey’s I didn’t see ( my kids are cool too) has all been priceless. I met wonderful people who are all on different journeys but yet we seem to understand each other on many levels. I am especially lucky to have met Susan, whose brain is, for better or worse, inexplicably linked with mine and Joco whose wit and personality rivals the best of the ages.

We are all blessed in different ways, and while I still need to remind myself of this when I see pictures of my former classmates babies on Facebook, I feel lucky to have my life, my family and my path. Also, when I turn 35 if its looking bleak, I am going the artificial insemination route.

And yes, this epiphany was brought on by an amazing $20 massage that somehow awakened cathartic juices that called out  to be released.

In closing, there are 2 quotes from the movie Juno that give me hope for finding  love and I will try to remember as I stay in my pink bubble of positivity.

“Find the person who loves you for who you are”

“He is the cheese to my macaroni”