Ever since I got back from my vacation to the U.S.A. I have had trouble with little boys climbing in my back windows. The first time it happened, I screamed at them through the windows and immediately covered all windows. Then, I went and spoke to the older (8 years old) brother, Manudi, who is a good boy and quite attached to me. Then, it happened again. and again. I realized it was the same little boy-Jalique- every time. So, I got help from a teacher at my school to explain it wasn’t okay. He translated “Stop climbing on my windows or I will not play with you” to “Stop climbing on the windows or I will beat you.” I even called Jalique out and pointed at him and everyone scolded him. I thought it was done and was really proud of myself for handling it. I had been escaping to Kigali every weekend because the kids were making me so nuts but stayed home this weekend for the debate and to get in some good gang QT.
This morning, after playing with the kids for an hour and half, I was laying on my couch watching the Gossip Girl pilot and I heard “Jani-e, Jan-IE” from the gate. I called “Simfite Mwaka” (I don’t have time) and but the voices continued. So I called “OYA! Tuzabonanna” (NO! See you later). A few minutes later, I heard a giggle from outside my bedroom window “Jan-IE” I should note I was not fully dressed at the time… so I threw on a shirt and I ran outside and tried to figure out where they were climbing the 8 foot wall around the back of my house.
Sure enough, I saw Jalique and another little boy I didn’t know running away. I decided enough was enough and after I showered and dressed in my Rwandan best (for the homosexuality debate that got moved to tomorrow morning because my school boys were watching The Terminator) I went to Jalique’s shack to speak with his mother. They have no hesitation asking me for money for haircuts, medicine, doctors, shoes etc so I was hoping Jackie (the mom) would see that its better to not have me pissed off.
Jackie wasn’t there but a man was (they said it was his “father” but he looks 20 years younger than the mom). I spoke with this parental figure and explained the situation using sign language, French and Kinderwanda. As the male of the house looked at his cell phone he nodded and said “problem, oui problem”
So now I am home filled with guilt that this kid is probably going to get beaten (or at least smacked) when he gets home. I feel guilty but what other recourse did I have? I had spoken to the child himself, his brother, the whole gang in both anger and once I was calm. There may be cultural differences but clearly he knew it was wrong and was doing it to get a reaction. I am already trying to overturn one social taboo (homosexuality) this weekend, I am not sure I could have sat the father down and asked him to reason with the boy about privacy and people’s personal space. And maybe the father figure will blow it off and laughed the second I left.
During my “stigma” discussion with my classes this week, I brought up that you can’t hit your wife or children in the US. One kid raised his hand and said “But how do you make the child listen?”
Me: “You explain the reason why and the right thing to do”
Him: “But what if they don’t listen?”
Me: “You take away privileges and have consequences”
Then I realized that most kids don’t have anything you can take away as punishment… no X-Box or TV. You could take away their old tire and stick but then they would find a old water bottle and be just as happy. Not that it excuses hitting children but when life is such a challenge anyway, finding “creative punishments and consequences” probably isn’t on the top of anyone’s to-do list. This is all just my guilty ramblings. Jalique and his brothers are generally well-cared for despite their insanely extreme poverty and their mother seems loving so I am sure it will turn out okay. I just haven’t been in a situation before I could be the cause of a kid getting hit. In school, I always deal with stuff myself to avoid the harsh school discipline (one girl just got expelled for having a cell phone). I better stop writing before I burst into tears.
But I swear, if he climbs on my windows again after this, I could be pushed into a homicidal state. In fact, its almost guaranteed.
UPDATE: The mother came by with Jalique and his brother Manudi and a stick to show she had hit them. I spent the night crying. I saw them this morning but they both seemed fun and gave me hugs. I think Manudi is more pissed he got dragged into it when it wasn't his fault. They seem recovered but I can't get rid of the lump in my stomach. Maybe my 8:00 AM debate about homosexuality will turn it around.
I dealt with this exact issue when I was teaching 3rd grade. Most of the students had parents that were from the Islands or Central America, and came from cultures where beating was the accepted discipline method. I knew that if I threatened to call home, I was basically threatening them with a beating. I knew that if I did call home, I was basically beating them, even if it was not me wielding the belt or the hairbrush or whatever. I spoke at length with the assistant principal of the school, who had been working with the population for more than 20 years, and who I really respected. She told me that there is a clear difference, even in cultures where beatings that make us shudder in disgust, between abuse and discipline-- that sometimes, regrettably, there are parents who take things to a level that is culturally unacceptable ot the community and they are condemned by the community for doing so. She also said that in terms of raising a happy and healthy child, that it is not the beatings themselves, that impair their mental health. But if they differ significantly from the cultural norm. So if you live in Park Slope, for example, where any sort of corporal punishment is generally viewed as horrible, even getting a light slap on the behind could be traumatic for you because it is a level of violence that you have never experienced. If you live in a society (like most of America in the 1950's) where most kids receive spankings, it's only detrimental if you begin to perceive that your physical punishment is out of the norm. She also had a lot to say about just respecting and existing within the culture that you are working with-- most parents told me they had beaten their child after a complaint, because they wanted me to know that they were GOOD parents, and they certainly wouldn't have appreciated any judgement on their parenting from me. Another point that she made is that true abuse is generally hidden, by the parents AND the children. So it's really hard, but you have to just accept the culture you are in-- there is only so much you can change. And I would point to the fact that post-beating, your little friend was running around and playing like nothing had happened. He was okay. Don't beat yourself up.
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